When I was abused by my father at 5, I left my body and watched the scene from some other place. A few days in, I became afraid that what he was about to do would kill the tiny body I was watching from above. Although I remember coming back from that other place into my physical self to save our combined life, I never really truly stayed connected to my physical being after that.
I’m nearly 50 now, 75 (+ or -) pounds overweight and suffering a handful of maladies related to my obesity (high blood pressure, achy joints, shortness of breath and the like). And I’ve had a largely unhealthy relationship to sex, and the men who were my partners in it.
The self abuse/protection that food represents to an incest victim like me, and the layers of fat I blanket myself in are, I think, a big part of the diet and fitness industry’s multi-billion dollar cash flow drivers for success. Whether that is intentional or not, I’d bet you dollars to donuts those people who attend to bottom lines (rather than my or your bottom!) are COUNTING ON people like myself to fall off wagons, go on binges, and devolve into that shameful disgust that drives us to diet more, start and re-start exercise programs without understanding them, etc. – that unending obsessive spiral to our own personal hell.
Then there’s the whole relationship to sex.
As obvious as this next statement may be to those who know me and are familiar with my past experiences (or those of you who know someone like me), I’ve only recently come to grips emotionally to the idea of “betrayal by my body.” I’d had a pretty good handle on the betrayal of a parent to his vulnerable child – there were tons of books, therapy and 12-step programs on that topic – some of them potent in their helping a victim to heal. And as much as I’d found peace in forgiveness, and my recovery stemming from learning about and working diligently with those particular feelings, I was never able to get a grip on sex.
It’s been frustrating. I’m smart, in touch, live a life out of love, have extraordinary relationships – as long as those relationships didn’t involve sex.
Hi! Thanks for reading my post/page/comment. I'm a mom (favorite job!) and explorer (my other favorite job!), with a penchant for creating stuff - art, written works, pseudo businesses, and most importantly-love.
My mantra is my life's guide: All is as it is. I love, I am loved, I am a conduit for love. I walk with extraordinary companions, and will until the end of my days.
Thank you for being an extraordinary companion. 
