Genderless to Full On Female

Madge Letting Go

I’m having new feelings about myself as a woman. This may seem a strange thing for a 49 year old mother of two to declare or reveal, however in the context of how I’ve regarded my self throughout my life, it makes some sort of grounded sense.

As you may know from a previous post, I’ve been exploring what I think of as “moving into my body.” My perception of my life, for most of my 49 years, was one where I experienced my spirit and mind as disconnected from my body – a common reaction to sexual abuse at a very young age. The impact of that assault on my 5 year old self were multilayered and became ever more complex and entangled as I grew into an adult.

In looking back at how I’ve regarded my body and my gender since that time, I see now why it was important for me to be a “tough” tomboy as a kid and teen, and later to identify in myself mannerisms and traits I regarded as more masculine than feminine.

To be female was dangerous. And the circumstances in my life, time and time again, had borne out that fact for me, driving home the need to protect myself in whatever way I could – even if that meant divorcing myself from the very essence of my gender.

I have been mightily confused throughout my life about the natural expression of being female. I would long to have the embodied confidence I have seen other women carry in theirselves, be comfortable and excited about my own sexuality. I even had difficulty understanding the basic rights I have as a woman (I am passionate about women’s rights as they relate to others – but had not until now been able to see how those apply to me.).

As a response to my deeply embedded belief that being female is dangerous, I evolved into someone who thought of herself as genderless. I found myself attracted to androgynous people, becoming a fan of those who epitomized the look and lifestyle of androgyny – performers like David Bowie, Annie Lennox, and Grace Jones.

Suffering and confusion set in and stayed for me until recently (perhaps until this morning even). Biologically I am a heterosexual woman, with all the attendant needs and ways of expressing that feminine bit of me. As I look back on my life, and the relationships I’ve had with some of the most amazing men I’ve ever known, I can see so clearly this thing that was missing that probably made those relationships less than satisfying, eventually leading to the demise of the romance.

So now, here I am on the cusp of turning 50 this year, becoming present and accepting of the one thing I could not change all along and tried so hard to suppress – that I am a woman.

And it is now, finally, safe for me to explore what that means to me, to discover the riches that being woman brings with it, to experience the confidence of being such a one.

Ummm. I think I’m going to love this…

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