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Meeting My Body (adult content)
By A | January 13, 2010
When I was abused by my father at 5, I left my body and watched the abuse from some other place. A few days into the abuse, I was afraid that what he was about to do would kill the tiny body I was watching from above. Although I remember coming back from that other place into my physical self to save our combined life, I never really truly stayed connected to my physical being after that.
I’m nearly 50 now, 75 (+ or -) pounds overweight and suffering a handful of maladies related to my obesity (high blood pressure, achy joints, shortness of breath and the like). And I’ve had a largely unhealthy relationship to sex, and the men who were my partners in it.
As obvious as this next statement may be to those who know me and are familiar with my past experiences (or those of you just reading this), I’ve only recently come to grips emotionally to the idea of betrayal – certainly about the betrayal of a parent to his vulnerable child – and more surprisingly my now knowing that I believe that my body betrays me.
What a shock it was to recognize this. I knew that sex for me was disjointed – that who I was being in the coupling was not necessarily who I wanted to be. In the act with a partner I was a chameleon, morphing to the kind of woman he wanted most, rather than my knowing my own preferences and drives. The sex would eventually make me miserable,
I could go into chapters and chapters exploring the psychology and impact of that – and really what came of that insight was seeing that maybe I had a choice about that experience.
For Christmas I asked for and received a membership at 24-Hour Fitness. For nearly a month I didn’t do anything significant with the memberhsip. Around the time of the realization that I believed my body an its
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